I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
