Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
