ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
