in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
