i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He felt like a one man threesome
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
