Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
