I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
