yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
