I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
