In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I FOUND THE LEGS
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
