We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
