I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I believe in your delicious
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
