i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i think i have herpe
just one?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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