I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
