Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
