We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
