just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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