Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
