i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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