I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
