New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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