I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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