Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
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