Cold hands, warm shart.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
