I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
