i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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