He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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