I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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