i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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