Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
