I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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