My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
