wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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