I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
