I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
