my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
