I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
