I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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