So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
