in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
