It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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