I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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