btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
