i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm at about main and main street
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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