remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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