i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
