i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
