I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
