I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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