ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
