I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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